Today I went to myvirtualmodel.com and made a collection of underwear clad illustrations of what I probably won’t look like as I lose weight. But since I have never seen myself NOT overweight, it still got me all giddy thinking that the 140 lb model might even remotely represent what is hiding under my rolls. The day I can slip into anything below a size 12 will be a true celebration. Never, in my adult life, have I been smaller than that. It’s hard to imagine that I could ever get there. It sure is fun to try!

An interesting thought I was having the other day: why is it that we who diet are so opposed to feeling hungry whilst on that diet? Let’s take this from a completely logical perspective (my expertise!). In order to lose weight, we must create a calorie deficit, right? Somehow (either by lowering caloric intake, or expending more energy) we must burn more calories than we consume so our bodies will essentially consume our excess fat stores. If our bodies need to focus on consuming fat, it can’t be focused on consuming food in our stomachs. So why then, are we opposed to feeling hungry while trying to lose weight? We speak as if hunger is then enemy of weight loss–when actually, it may serve as an indicator that our body is doing exactly what we want it to do–burn fat, not food!!

Now I completely understand not wanting to be walking around thinking about food constantly because we are so focused on our growling stomachs, but this is where making good food choices comes in. If most of my diet consists of nutrient rich foods, then I will feel more satiated by a lower calorie content. Personally, I am not a big fan of “low fat”, “fat free” and “sugar free” foods. I prefer to eat wholesome foods that are closest to their natural state. I use organic cane sugar in my tea and I eat Greek yogurt instead of the diet versions that are out there. And if I want cheese, I eat cheese. Real cheese. Not some weird, weak tasting excuse for cheese (how on earth do you make cheese without cream!?!?), but the real, full fat thing. Only I eat small portions. If I want chocolate, I don’t try to satisfy that craving with some “chocolate-flavored, sugar-free, fat free” rendition of chocolate. I simply have a piece of chocolate. Or two. And that’s it. When it comes to meals, I try to choose hearty ingredients that are filling and nutrient rich. Oatmeal for breakfast, whole-grain, whole-wheat bread on my lunch sandwich. LOTS of greens with dinner–no reason to skimp since they are so low in calories. For instance, tonight I had sauteed broccoli and cauliflower over pasta with sauce–like a quickie pasta primavera. Only I used about 3 cups of veggies and only 1 cup of pasta (instead of the more typical converse mixture). It was a huge plate of food, but very low in calories. My entire meal was about 350 calories. And since I saved so many calories, when I got hungry a few hours later, I still had room in my daily ration for a snack.

This is working for me… and most of the time I feel satisfied. I have had a day or so where I have been frustrated with how hungry I was feeling, but it’s only a day–and that’s the way I choose to look at it. I’m not going to blow all my progress just because I’m feeling hunger pangs. And tomorrow is another day.

Starting next Monday, I will get back into tracking foods and activity, as well as paying a little closer attention to what goes in my mouth and the mouths I feed. I’ll get back in the kitchen (it feels like it’s been forever!) and start this new season of life with gusto!

That sounded a little gay.

The point is, I have always found it easier to incorporate changes and make new habits (as well as break old ones) when inevitable change lies in front of you… a new year or a new home; a new season or a new experience. And since we’ve pretty much uprooted everything that we were, why not go crazy and start something right now?

Take a look under “Technical Data” for updates on stats. Not sure how often I will update (haven’t thought that far ahead just yet), but that’s where the details reside. In a nutshell, I’m aiming for no more than 1850 cal/day as well as incorporating at least 15 min of cardio 4x/week. I figure that’s a reasonable physical goal for my sedentary lifestyle! Let’s meet that one first and then get ambitious!

The battle in my mind: If I never do it, I will regret having never done it. If I do it, I will regret not having done it sooner.

What a conundrum.

Our family is nearing the end of a pretty huge transition. We just had our third child July 16th and left our home (of 10 years) in New Jersey on August 11th to arrive in Texas on August 15th. We are currently staying with family about 2 hours away from our new home (which we will be moving into on September 29th). It’s been a pretty hectic summer.

Next step? Um, get moved in? Get my oldest in pre-school? Learn my new city, or at the very least, find my way to the grocery stores? I realize that adding another thing to the list of “things to change” may be a little daunting, but I’ve always been of the mindset that there is no better time to start a new habit than when in a transition. Change always carries an air of newness… and I find myself inspired in nearly every direction, to take advantage of the opportunity. So I’ll keep thinking about ways to make a change, but I’m pretty sure I won’t have a master plan until I have at least an inkling of what our new life looks like.

We had known the family for over a decade and were, at one time, quite close friends that had recently drifted apart. It has been a very difficult time in our lives. We came into the knowledge that the wife had been living a whole other life behind closed doors (as well as behind her husband’s back). When questioned, her husband defended her blindly, trying to lead us to believe that he had known about it all along. A frightening realization was that this was not the first time anyone close to the wife had witnessed such an atrocity… her mother has bones in her closet as well. To give the super-abridged version: they sought counsel and have since chosen to remove many people from their lives as a result of this ‘great unveiling’ and the manner in which we were all a part. My husband and I were only a fraction of the ex-communicated.

Jesus tells us we will know them by their fruit. From every way I have tried to look at this situation, I cannot honestly say that I believe a true change of heart has occured. In fact, everything I have seen is saying otherwise. Very disheartening. No–heartbreaking. In all of my thoughts on the whole situation, today, they turned to the couples’ only son. In the conversation with my husband today, he pointed out one thing that struck me to the core… her mother has never confessed or repented of her past which has caused much havoc in her own daughter’s life. Now here is the daughter, repeating the ‘sins of the father‘ to an even greater degree. What now, is to become of her son? If she doesn’t choose Truth, how will the pattern be broken? If she never repents, what legacy lies ahead for her boy?

When I turned these same questions on myself, I immediately thought of one of my own life-long struggles: my weight. I have made so much progress in the way of gaining confidence, gaining clarity and gaining a God-perspective on who and Whose I am (along with gaining a little more weight, ironically). But one area of my struggle with my weight has remained: my genes. Up one side and down the other in my gene pool you’ll find fat, and lots of it, with only a few exceptions. Armed with every good intention under the sun, I have fought the battle of the bulge. I’ve been able to disarm nearly every excuse in my roster. But my family ‘legacy’ remains powerful against me and haunts me every time I consider chiseling down to a ‘normal’ size.

“Is it really possible? Could I ever do it? No one else in the family has done it and stayed that way… it only lasted but a short time. I’ve never even seen me in a ‘normal’ size. Chubby as a kid, I entered my teen years at least 30lbs overweight. Once I hit 18, I had a good 50lbs or so I could safely lose. Nine years of marriage and three kids later, I would have to drop 100+lbs to be within the ‘healthy BMI’ range. Is it possible? I have no idea. I’ve never seen me in any other skin but the fat-lined kind.”

Two months ago, we welcomed our third child into the family… our first daughter. I am already amazed at how much I find myself worrying about the example I will be for her. Am I being a good mom? Wife? Woman? Do I need to do better? The pressure is on. I love my boys like crazy, but life with boys seemed so much simpler. Now what am I to do? I’m raising up a little woman. Naturally, all this brought me back to my struggle with the family genes. Is it inevitable or can I change it? Perhaps I could gamble that she inherits her father’s genes, but I don’t know that I want to take that risk. Besides, I’m still setting an example, whether she has any biological inclination towards fatness or not. I really want to change, but what if it’s not possible? What if I fail again? I have been looking for the right motivation… something strong and empowering. Something solid and realistic.

In my conversation with my husband today, I realized that I do have a choice. I can choose to live in fear or denial; for what comforts me in this moment. I can choose to be part of the pattern and let it continue. Or I can choose to break the cycle and live with the future in mind: my future and that of my children and my children’s children.

I choose tomorrow.